Moving day tomorrow

Happy bipolar morning to you. I'm having a great day - mood is relatively high, head is clear, motivation levels are well up from yesterday. Brilliant... Mania here I come. Always a productive phase, although I need to be very careful not to let it get out of control. Have I taken my Lithium today?

I'm sad to say I'm moving home to my parents place tomorrow. My husband doesn't like it (obviously) but it's just the way things are at the moment. I'm really very unwell and instead of 'checking in' to an institution my parents have consented to let me move home.

Hubby is hurt and upset that I don't trust him to look after me... That's understandable. Unfortunately though, I'm beyond the stage where he can help. The fact is he has issues of his own, including ADHD, an anxiety disorder, and a very serious gambling problem. We're not reacting to each other very well at all. To cut a long story short, we're making each other sick.

I'm completely packed and ready to move - can't believe what I've accomplished in the last few days! I sorted through every last piece of 'stuff' in my entire house. Didn't sleep for a few days of course, but still quite happy with the result.

I'll let you know in a couple of days how it all went. Stay tuned, and wish me luck!

Arrgh - get UP girl...

Can't lie... on a bit of a downer!

I'm having stupid amounts of trouble getting out of bed this morning. I didn't fall asleep until after 7.30am (about two hours ago) so of course I'm a bit tired after only an hour and a half of sleep. I'm also feeling extremely depressed for absolutely no reason - that's just one of the perks of living with bipolar disorder so I'm trying to just ignore it.

My room looks like one of those dirty crack houses with stray furniture and rubbish lying around. It's not actually dirty, but it looks it. It's grossing me out and I want it to go away. Of course it won't go away unless I do something about it but since my head won't stop pounding I think I'll give it a miss for the moment. I've been putting it off for more than a month so one more day can't hurt. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be able to do it (...kidding myself much?)

As I take another look around at the monumental MESS that is my room I decide (for the third time today) to stop looking at it and stop thinking about it. What would my mum say if she were here? I tell myself to stop thinking about that too.

I'm aching from head to toe (probably imagined, but feels pretty real) and I can not make myself get up. The trouble is though, the longer I stay in bed the more disgusted I am with myself. I tell myself to stop thinking about that too.

Cymbalta, and other misadventures

I went to see my specialist again yesterday. My specialist (whose name reminds me of a 'Farley Goes to the Doctor' book I used to own as a kid) is a very intelligent man. He has an excellent sense of humor and is usually very patient. Yesterday he looked less jovial than usual - he wasn't laughing much... he normally laughs a lot. I can't work out if I imagined it or if my powers of perception are a bit off this week... I have a feeling I didn't imagine it.

I feel very deflated after this visit. Normally I have a lovely positive discussion with my doctor about all of the great things I'm doing to keep myself level, then he tells me 'go to the head of the class Vanessa, well done' and renews my prescriptions before saying 'see you in six months' ...not this time. This time he was frowning. He had me fill out a questionnaire to gauge the severity of my depression, shook his head at the results, then introduced another medication to the mix. I pretty much rattling as I walk these days - Quilonum (slow release lithium carbonate), Dexamphetamine, Seroquel (quetiapine) and now Cymbalta. He said he needs to see me again in 4-6 weeks. What a pain.

I need your help... yes you, lol.

I can't wait to find out which side effects I'll be experiencing with this new antidepressant. I already have a metallic taste in my mouth, high blood pressure, constant headache, and constant diarrhea from all of the other stuff I'm on. If you're reading this and you have experience with Cymbalta I'd really love to hear from you. Please let me know what you think of it in the comments below.

OK, enough whining... GET UP VANESSA!!

Welcome to 'Living With Mental Illness'

And you think you're crazy...

Hi there, I'm Vanessa! I'm a 33 year old woman with a long history of mental illness. I suffer from Bipolar disorder, Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and of course the severe anxiety associated with both of these.

On top of this I was recently the victim of rape and ended up having a big ol' nervous breakdown in relation to that. I now suffer from Agoraphobia, or 'agoraphobic avoidance' as my doctor calls it - either way it simply means I'm cripplingly afraid to go outside. I haven't left my house by myself for almost exactly a year now.

Now, you might well be thinking "wow - that woman's messed up!" and of course you'd be right, lol. Believe it or not however, I've actually got my mental health pretty much in check lately and with the help of my husband and family I'm on track to discover an even healthier me. Meanwhile, I've got nothing but time on my hands and have been trying to find worthwhile things to do with it.

Paying it forward

I once stumbled on a blog kept by a girl named Katie Quinn that she calls 'BipolarSuccessKQ' detailing her daily struggle with Bipolar disorder. Her blog is a really honest, open account of just what she goes through every day - not in a negative way, but rather a lovely positive look at her personal challenges and achievements.

Katie's blog was a real help to me. It helped me to realize that if there are other people out there just like me, going through just the same issues and experiences, then I'm not that weird after all! In actual fact, it turns out there are so many people just like me I can really consider myself to be quite 'normal' ...how's that for a concept? I can't tell you how much comfort and peace I found as a result of reading Katie's blog, and others like it.

This all got me thinking. If I find this kind of thing helpful, perhaps others do too. I can't ever hope to pay back bloggers like Katie, but I can sure pay it forward. I'm not completely useless as a writer either - this is something I can actually do!

Calling all homies...

To all of my crazy ass kinfolk out there, welcome to my blog. To all of you who are perfectly sane, I welcome you too! I hope to do my small part to increase awareness and dialogue by sharing openly, honestly, and positively - silence about mental illness hurts everyone.

Please feel free to join in the discussion by leaving a comment, and be sure to subscribe for free updates.

Until next time! V.